GOTHAM, US – This week, to no-one’s surprise Batman’s infamous bottom bitch comes out as bisexual. If the fluorescent colored tights, and obsession with a rich daddy dressed as a bat wasn’t obvious enough, this weeks announcement officially confirms it. Robin is the cuck twink that we all thought.
In response to this news, The Joker has officially come out as homophobic. He is quoted saying, “Batman and batty boy the two gayest heroes in Gotham. I could always tell they had something for each other, by the way they look into each others eyes. To be honest Robin has made sexual advances on myself, but Batman is always too jealous to ever let things escalate.”
The Riddler also added to the Jokers claim saying “Bats eat maggots, and Batman hangs with f******”.
Robin has defended his stance and says he won’t be ashamed for who he is. He also mentioned that his OnlyFans will be dropping later this month.
SAN DIEGO, CA – On Wednesday, a gorilla at the San Diego zoo tested positive for COVID-19. Doctors are baffled as the gorilla has been following quarantine restrictions since birth, and don’t understand how this could happen.
One zoologist suggests, “Maybe our COVID protocols on the primate population aren’t strict enough. My professional opinion would be to make it mandatory for all gorillas to wear masks going forward.”
We asked the local gorilla for comment, and this is what his sign language message translated to, “Free up the homies, we ain’t do nothing.”
President of the San Diego Zoo released a statement earlier today stating, “One of our properties tested positive for COVID-19, to help protect further zoo assets we will be increasing restrictions on our primate captives. It is imperative that we self isolate the primate and restrict them to zero social interaction. This is based on science, and we are doing it to protect the gorillas, as this is in their best interest.”
LAS VEGAS, NV – Floyd “Money” Mayweather just announced via Instagram that he will be participated in a PPV spelling bee against popular child youtuber known as “Ryan’s Wolrd”. The celebrity spelling bee will be this summer at the MGM Grand Garden Arena, with the exact date to be announced in the coming days.
Floyd is no stranger to high profile celebrity PPV’s, however this will be the first time that Vegas odds makers have him as a severe underdog. Mr. Money Mayweather had this to say to his doubters, “I may not be able to read a full page of a Harry Potter book, but I sure can read the comma’s in my bank account”
Ryan on the other hand grew his fame through playing with toys on YouTube, where he accumulated over 27 million subscribers despite being a 9-year-old child. When asked how he is preparing for the massive event against Floyd he stated, “I’m in grade 4 now!”. Despite that massive age gap Vegas odds makers have Ryan at a 10:1 favorite over the 15-time world champion boxer.
LOS ANGELES, CA – Valentine’s Day is on the horizon, and the boyfriends that have remembered are in a frenzy to make a plan. This year the pressure is at an all time high due to the fact that lockdown restrictions have given guys limited options for the big date night.
Local boyfriend named Daniel explains why he’s worried stating, “Now that we can’t leave the house, It’s just me, her and her 11-speed vibrator. It’s frustrating, because most years I could take my girl out for a nice meal, liquor her up and by the time we get home we’re too tired to even think about her toys”.
Another local man named Luke had this to say, “It’s man vs. machine. How can I even compete? It’s so unrealistic that women these days expect my 6-inch meat to perform like a Decepticon.” That being said the one thing that every guy has in common, is they’re grateful for the opportunity.
TORONTO, ON – A local former female named Destiny has recently come out a “Rubber Duck”. Destiny is currently undergoing transition, which includes lip injections, ass injections, and the ultimate goal of achieving a 50% body to plastic ratio.
Destiny defended her decision in the following statement; “I always knew that I was a rubber duck deep down. Since I got my first cell phone, I have been puckering my lips every time that I use the face camera. I realized I also pucker my lips in the mirror, and every time I see my own face. I have always felt like a lone little rubber duck, floating aimlessly in the bathtub of life.”
Destiny hopes to inspire other ducklings who want to come out saying, “To all my ladies who want to start the transition, please use my discount code ‘Ducky’ and receive your first lip injection and body painting free of charge!”
WALL STREET, NY – Hedge fund managers show their true colours after repeatedly taking losses to their teenage counter parts. Instead of taking their losses on the chin like the rest of us, they decided to unplug the console and call it a “wash”.
One 13-year-old stated, “One second I was slapping his old b*tch ass in the game, then next thing you know he unplugged the console and preceded to go live on CNBC to cry about how it wasn’t fair”.
CEO of an unnamed hedge fund justified his behavior in a statement, “Billionaires are the most oppressed people in the world. We grew up expecting things to always go our way. and for us to be held to the same set of rules as everyone else, is just unfair”.
OSLO, Norway – The 2020 Nobel peace prize nominees got announced this past weekend. One of which included the Capitol Rioters, sparking some controversy amongst the keyboard warrior community.
The Capitol Riots were known as a mostly peaceful event where a bunch of rednecks decided to go take selfies and mess up some rich white peoples’ offices. After the decision was announced, Twitter was sent off into a frenzy. One user tweeted, “I don’t agree with the events that transpired at the Capitol. These people are domestic terrorists who should not be glorified”.
The apparent leader of the movement could not comment on the nomination as he is currently in a Federal prison on a hunger strike. One member of the riot named Karen commented on his behalf saying, “We are patriots and we are saving the world from satanic pedophiles.”
TORONTO, ON – World renown Chinese scientists have discovered that “anal swab testing” for Covid-19 is far more accurate than the traditional nasal test. They are moving forward with this form of testing with or without consent, as it is ethically the right thing to do to reduce the spread of Covid-19.
We should follow the science and be pro-active on this new information. I suggest that it may be best that governments around the world make prostate checks mandatory at all airports. Due to the fact that gender should not be assumed, we should inspect every traveller’s anal cavity just to be safe.
We asked traveller’s at Toronto’s Pearson Airport what they would think about mandatory prostate checks at the airport, and the responses varied. One man named Dave loved the idea saying, “I’m all for it! Usually, I have to pay $200/hour for a service like this”.
